People, you cannot trust me. I will lie to your face. Even when asked if I am lying, I will lie. to. your. face.

Let me explain. BJ and her husband came over a couple of weeks ago for my birthday BBQ, and they brought their baby, Joy (all names changed to protect the innocent), with them.

Now, as you know, I am not a baby person. No, I don't kill them and eat them or anything horrific like that. I'm just not naturally drawn to them the way some women are. I don't know what it is. Whatever. The point is, I'm not a baby person.

That being said, I am capable of recognizing a cute baby when I see one. Some babies are definitely cuter than others, and some are just ugly. That is a sad, sad fact of life. Nothing personal against the babies, because hell - they can't do anything about looking ugly. As adults we can at least throw on some blush and mascara or buy some cute shoes if we need to look good. Babies must play with the genetic cards they are dealt.

You can see where this is going.

BJ's baby is ... not cute. There! I said it.

It's not that the baby is ugly, because she's not. She's not ugly at all. She's just kind of... average looking. And she is most definitely not the kind of baby that someone like me, who is mostly indifferent to babies in general, feels compelled to ooh and aah over.

First off, she's six months old and she still has, like, NO hair. I know most babies aren't born with an abundance of hair, and that it grows in later, but after 6 months? That baby should have some kind of hair to put a ribbon in. Also, her ears kind of stick out. (Although, to be fair, perhaps her baldness emphasizes this.) The overall effect is that the baby looks astonishingly like (now, this is going to sound far more harsh than I intend it to) Curly. From The Three Stooges. I swear to you! It's gotten so that I can't look at this child without thinking it.

So the day of the BBQ, I made the appropriate oohing and aahing and isn't she adorable comments. Fine. But. BJ e-mailed me the next day, and said, "I'm so glad you think Joy's cute, because I'm so afraid of being one of those mothers who thinks her baby's cute just because it's hers. I know you'd never lie to me about that, though."

Hm.

See, I know why BJ thinks I'd never lie to her about something like this. We have a rather straightforward, blunt relationship. We should, after 17 years. Also, we have (because we're evil) made fun of other people's ugly babies in the past. Our friend (not anymore) Deena had a baby who looked exactly like one of those pencil trolls. Exactly.

But what could I do? There is just no way you can tell your friend that her baby is "average."

My reply: "Of course I'd never lie to you about that. After 17 years of friendship, you know I'd tell you the truth. Your baby is adorable!"

Her reply: "Even though she has no hair?"

Sigh.

My reply: "If she had hair, her cuteness would just be overwhelming. She'll be unbearably cute when she has hair."

Sigh. See? You can't trust me.