I threw down with a design lady this weekend, and it felt good. A head-to-head match is always exhillarating, isn't it? Let me explain.

See, D is looking to replace his tired, old kitchen countertop. The countertop is original 1939 ceramic tile, and it is just ragged. But what to replace it with? He had no clue. I, of course, having watched every design show known to man, have mastered the different qualities of every countertop material on the planet. If you need to know the benefits of granite vs. synthetic stone vs. Corian vs. laminate, I'm your girl. Need to know about scratch, stain and heat resistance? I can tell you all about it.

This information is, of course, taking up valuable space in my brain that could be better put to use on, oh I don't know, ANYTHING ELSE, but oh well. I can't help what my feeble mind chooses to retain.

I won't go into the details of the throw-down. It's kind of boring to anyone who is not me. Let me just say that Claire, the design woman, tried to talk down to D and me like we were a bunch of second-rate nobodies without a clue, and I showed her what was what before she could continue. A brief exerpt:

"Claire, we are not interested in Corian," I said. "It scratches far too easily, especially in black, which is why we decided on granite," I said.

"Why, yes, you're right," Claire said, straightening up and realizing I was no normal schmuck from off the street. "But granite is very expensive." She raised her eyebrow and rocked back on her Manolos, waiting to see what I'd say.

"Oh, I know," I said. "But it's no more expensive than a synthetic, like Caesarstone, and it has more depth."

Claire straightened up and put on her game face. "You must understand," she said, "Putting granite on a countertop is like putting on a new pair of shoes. Just as you wouldn't wear new shoes with an old dress, you wouldn't put granite on some old cabinets. Are your cabinets in good shape?"

What made her think our cabinets wouldn't be in good shape? I don't know. It must have been because D was casually dressed, and I had forgotten to wear my diamond tiara. What a snob.

"Oh yes," I said, meeting her icy gaze. "And anyway, we're thinking of doing a complete redesign, with new cabinets or at least a complete refacing."

A complete redesign is EXPENSIVE, and Claire knew it. I could practically SEE the dollar signs flashing in her eyes after that, and she treated us with the respect we deserved.

We are not, by the way, doing a complete redesign. That would be ridiculous. But I had a point to make, damn it.

The moral of the story is, the interchange with Claire brought back my debating skills, long unused since I left BTA. As much as I hated BTA, while I was there I learned how to hold my own with any client, any time. I argued, debated and negotiated with the best of them. I had mad skillz, if I do say so myself.

Hello? Are you still there?

Sorry. There won't be another braggy, self-indulgent entry about kitchen design for a very long time. I promise.