The truth is, I've been in kind of a rut. The smallest thing throws me into a spiral of depression and I can't snap out of it. I can't even tell you what's wrong. It's about five million things and it's nothing all at once.

Sometimes I can feel my scope of happiness narrowing. Do you know what I mean? I find lately that I'm content with less and less. I hope less. I care less. I am not who I thought I would be. I feel ... withered, grey and dull instead of blossoming, vibrant and shiny. I know it's just today, but sometimes I don't know it's just today. Sometimes it feels like it's always.

I'm irritated with myself because the overwhelming feeling I've had lately is boredom. That's a crime - at least, it always has been in my family. I remember whining a lot as a teenager to my mother about being bored. One time she said, "You're not bored. You're LAZY. The next time you feel like saying 'I'm bored' say, 'I'm LAZY' instead. There's always something to do." Over the years, I've come to agree with her. There's no reason to be bored, ever, really. There is always something to do. But lately I am bored.

The harsh truth is that it's all my fault. I have put little effort into creating a life for myself in Burbank separate from D. I've become complacent. We go out a lot, either together or with his friends, and on the weekends we'll often go to O.C. to see my family. It's fun. But there's something missing.

I think I'm really missing having a close girl friend. Do people ever have close girl friends past a certain age? I suppose they do. The kind of friendships I had when I was younger just seem so foreign to me know. You remember - the kind of friendships where you'd spend hours on the phone talking about whatever. I can't imagine spending hours on the phone with anyone now, and I don't think I'd want to - that's not what I'm looking for. I guess what I'd like is someone I can call on a Friday night and say, "Let's go see Before Sunset and get coffee afterward." or "Let's go see what crap we can buy at Target." Someone like that. I almost feel pathetic writing about it - poor me! I need a friend! It's not that I have none - they're just scattered everywhere around the world/country/state. I need a local friend. That would be nice.

But besides that, I need something to get excited about. I would like to be very passionate and excited about something new.

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Yesterday I had the crappiest day at work. I won't bore you with the details because I don't want to sound like a whiny, self-pitying fool, but it sucked with the suckiness of a thousand maniacs. Whatever that means. I hate how sensitive I am, but in this case I don't think I'm overreacting. I think most people would react the way I'm reacting. Agggh. It's just too stupid. More and more things keep happening to push me toward finding another job. When you're constantly fantazing about winning the lottery, you know it's time to dust off the ol' resume'.