As you all know, D's mother and his aunt came to visit us a couple of weeks ago. (All right, none of you knew because I never post here, ever. Shut up.) I was pretty nervous about it, because now that D and I are engaged, she's much more than just some old broad who lives in Florida - she's my Future Mother-in-Law, and that's scary. Naturally, I wanted to make a good impression. I think the visit went quite well, and so, for those of you who are about to be married, I offer you Part One in the series ...

How to Impress Your Future Mother-In-Law

1.Provide Comfortable and Cozy Guest Accommodations
We don't have a guest room, so all we had to offer Mama D and Aunt Helen (not their real names, natch) was an inflatable aerobed on the floor of our office. Granted, it's a nice air mattress (much more sturdy and plush than the kind you take to the beach, for example), and I dressed it up with comforters and sheets and pillows etc., but the bottom line is that we made two old ladies sleep on the floor of an office on an air mattress. Not the most plush of accommodations.

2.Cook Healthy and Delicious Meals to Demonstrate Your Domesticity

I never got around to it. I swear, I was busy with work! Besides that, I already felt that the entire trip was a daughter-in-law test of sorts, and I wasn't confident in my ability to pass the cooking part. I can follow a recipe well enough, and I don't mind whipping something up for my family or friends, but the thought of participating in some bizarre cooking examination (although admittedly all in my head) practically gave me hives. We ate out.

3. Engage Wholeheartedly in Activities of Her Choosing

Even if said activity is hour upon hour of Boggle. I'm talking HOUR UPON HOUR. Mama D and Aunt Helen were "two Boggle-playing bitches" (D's description, not mine.)

Don't get me wrong. I love Boggle, it's just that I hate losing. Like, almost EVERY GAME. And it's not that I'm not good at Boggle, it's that Mama D and Aunt Helen were THAT MUCH BETTER. They played with tournament-level rules: no words under five letters with a 30-second time limit. This was like a whole new level of Boggle to me, and I was clearly out of my league. They kicked my ASS. It was all I could do to come up with four words each game. I have to say it got to be kind of humiliating.

To make things worse, we often played into the wee hours of the morning. I am not a night person in general. Early to bed, early to rise, I always say. I assumed these two 70-ish women would be of the same mind, but no. You would have thought we were in a casino in Vegas or something. They had no concept of time. 2 a.m.? "It's still early!" they'd cry. 3 a.m.? "Two more games!" they'd shout. I had no choice but to comply.

After a while, I got kind of loopy. I stopped caring about the kind of words I made, and somehow the later it got, the more filthy and crass my words became. Where others saw "pared," I saw "raped," for example. My lists began to read like a second grader's attempt to shock his parents. "Horny, rapes, shits, turds, farted," I proclaimed one night, when it was time to read my words.

"Jesus," D said. "I saw 'titties' but I didn't put it down."

"'Titties' would have been FIVE points!" Aunt Helen said, instantly endearing herself to me.

All in all, I think the trip went rather well. Unfortunately, I'm afraid Mama D ended her visit with the impression that her son is soon to marry a foul-mouthed, overly competitive, slovenly women who never cooks.

Even more unfortunately, she's right.