I just finished editing the biggest steaming pile of dog shit. Not literally - I didn't LITERALLY edit dog shit (great visual, eh?), but this document was so bad it practically stunk up my office as a real pile of dog shit would. My name should go on the front page of this motherfucker, and my title should read "Person Who Made This Document Read as Though the Author is Not Mentally Retarded or Cross-Eyed."

Fuck. I feel like swearing today. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck piss shit and fuck, motherfucker!

Whoo. That feels good.

So... how are you?


***


I was just thinking about how I love call waiting. I just totally screened a call on my cell phone right now, and it was awesome. I loved looking over at my phone, seeing the person's name and thinking "You know what? I'm too busy to answer that. I think I'll let it go to voicemail." So sweet!

You know what? I didn't even have call waiting on my cell phone up to about a month ago. That's right! I didn't have call waiting because when I got my new phone, the phone programmer people forgot to put it on my phone. Bastards. Shortly after I got the phone, incidentally, a girl I hadn't talked to in ages (because I'd been avoiding her) called me and I made the mistake of answering it. Whoo boy. She made me feel guilty for not calling her in forever. Didn't want to risk that happening again.

My solution was to let every call go to voicemail. Stupid solution, I know, but I chose to do that rather than call customer service and wait on hold for three hours to ask why I didn't have call waiting. So I finally called last month, on a Saturday no less, and to my surprise my call was answered almost immediately by a real live person! And the person was helpful and very nice and put call waiting on my phone right away. And now I can screen you when you call. Yay!

And that was my thrill-a-minute call waiting story.

***

Check it out: Last night I signed up for this.

That's right, homeys - I'm gonna run in a race. It sounds totally fun, doesn't it? I hear that this is what people in the running world call a "fun run," a race you run just to run and not to PR (that's runspeak for "personal record") because it's so crowded that you spend most of the race trying not to trip over other people. I can't wait!