Dear Jim D.,

You never wrote back. Why??

As soon as I say I've turned a new leaf and no longer blame myself for people being cold toward me, you turn me into a liar. I've carefully, meticulously reexamined every one of our past interactions, and I can only think of one thing: You still hate me from that time in 8th grade math class.

Dude, I totally thought you were kidding when you asked me out. I did! That's why I rolled my eyes and said, "Yeah, right." It's not because I hated you, it's because I'm totally clueless. Jim D., listen to me: I have been on an actual date and not realized it until years later. I am oblivious to these kind of things. Also, in 8th grade, I had very low self-esteem. I couldn't fathom someone asking me out and being serious about it. I'm truly sorry. If you gave me half a chance, I'd prove to you that I'm different now. Truly changed.

That being said, you totally suck for not writing back. Why not let bygones be bygones? 8th grade was a long time ago. You need to let go. Pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move on.

Sigh. Now that you've snubbed me, I have no choice but to hate you. You will rue the day you never wrote back, Jim D. You have made yourself a new enemy. I will dedicate my life to making you miserable. I'm not sure how, but I'll find a way.

Jim D., I'm just kidding. Write back, huh? Jim D.?

Sincerely,

Me