Now that I've written about mean people, let me tell you what I think about nice people. I don't mean generally nice people. I mean Very Nice People.

These are the people who never curse, never gossip and never take the Lord's name in vain, even for comedic effect. They love their boss, love their coworkers and love the President of the United States, come hell or high water. You get the feeling they've never had an evil thought in their lives.

I cannot be friends with this kind of person. Sorry. I just can't. They make me feel like an asshole. Let me give you an example.

When I worked at Bad Temp Agency (BDA), there was a sales rep, Tina, who was just a bitch. She wore short skirts, stiletto heels and a ton of makeup every day. She thought she was hot, and I guess if you're a drunken frat boy, she was.

She had major attitude. She walked in every morning and didn't bother to say hello. In fact, I don't think she ever acknowledged my presence the entire time she worked there. Once, I handed her a message that I'd taken for her while she was out, and she snatched it from my outstretched hand and walked past without acknowledging me. She was like that every day.

One day I went to lunch with Sally, the receptionist. This receptionist was a Very Nice Person, but I didn't know that at the time. She was smiley and full of love for all the animals and children of the world. I think she said she'd recently accepted Jesus into her heart. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just trying to give you an idea of who she was.

Anyway, at lunch Tina's name came up. "What do you think of Tina?" she asked. I assumed this was an invitation for gossip and bitching, which I'm always up for. I mean, why else do you say, "what do you think of so-and-so" for?

"She bugs me," I said, tentatively.

"Oh, mm hmm.." she said, still smiling.

I took this as encouragement.

"I can't stand the way she stomps around in her heels. And her skirts are way too short."

She still didn't say anything, but she was still smiling. At this point I was in too deep. I had to keep going.

"And she's so rude! Why can't she ever acknowledge people when she gets to work in the morning? I can't stand her."

"Well, I don't know," Sally said, still grinning. "I think she's nice. Besides, if you don't like someone, 'kill them with kindness,' is what I always say."

"Or you can just kill them," I said, laughing.

Crickets.

Yeah, so Very Nice People. Can't stand 'em.