Because God helps those who help themselves.

We arrived home last Saturday (January 7) morning after spending three nights at my mom's, and I'm glad to be back. I'm sort of bummed that we had to tent the whole house, because in addition to the termites, the exterminators said that every other living thing in the house would die. I've been finding the cutest little spiders all curled up in balls in window sills. It's horrible. I hope they died quickly and didn't suffer too much. Does that sound silly? Perhaps I shouldn't tell you that when I'm walking along the sidewalk and see a roly-poly bug on its back, I always stop and turn it over. I just can't stand to think of anything suffering.

And yes, I still eat meat.

***

So, that blog. I found it when I was looking for a book called Audrey Rose that I remembered reading when I was a kid.

I have to stop and apologize in advance before I go any further. I'm afraid that I'm going to come across as hateful, condescending and bitchy for making fun of this girl's beliefs. I really don't want to make fun of her or put her down, because I'm sure she's a very nice, normal person, but I have to admit, I found her story highly amusing.

So I Googled "Audrey Rose," and one of the links was to a girl's page about her dog named Lady Audrey Rose. I scrolled down and found an account of how little miss Lady had a very bad habit of "licking on her privates," which, charmingly, had created bleeding and scabs. This girl had tried sprays and ointments to stop the dog from licking, but to no avail.

The time had come for desperate measures, so one day, while watching the 700 Club with her mother, she decided to ask Jesus to cure her dog.

She laid her hands on her dog's nether regions and prayed, and lo, when she lifted her hands away, the scabs and redness had faded.

And THEN, since the laying of hands and prayer method had worked so well on her dog's scabby privates, she decided to try the same method with the stretch marks on her own stomach, which were "bright purple."

Again, God answered her prayers instantly and faded the marks to a "normal flesh tone."

"You might ask," she says, "why God would care about a dog or stretch marks when there's (sic) so many bad things in this world."

Indeed, what with a world rampant with wars, hurricanes, corruption, poverty and fucking James Frey becoming a goddamn billionaire by selling Oprah a bunch of lies, I did in fact wonder that exact thing. But mostly, I was completely fascinated, and I explored the rest of her site with glee. She did not disappoint. I will reveal more details (and will possibly a link) in later posts.

(Yes, I know this subject is interesting only to me. I don't care.)

***

In other news, we have just booked the wedding caterer for approximately the price of our first-born child.

Owwww. This wedding shit is really making my head hurt. I will post more details Tuesday, because I cannot think about the subject it any more today.