The Conscious Bride (Another Rant).

Yesterday's Oprah was about what she called "the conspiracy of marriage," specifically the fact that after getting married, so many women stop being themselves and start being wives. We're taught that being a wife and mother means sacrifice of self in every sense of the term. A good wife and mother puts her husband and family first. A good wife and mother doesn't think about what she wants, but about what is best for her family. We're playing out these tired, outdated roles because it's all we know.

God, I was happy to see this show, because it's something I've been thinking about/freaking out about for months now. I realized that the reason I've been so afraid of getting married is that I bought into the conspiracy too. I want to marry D, but don't want to lose who I am. I don't want to stop being me and start being Mrs. anybody!

The show featured two women (both engaged to be married in the next few months) who were feeling scared and doubtful. One woman said she was afraid of her life changing too much because she loved her life the way it was (hello, that rang a bell for me). The other woman said she felt like she was just getting started living life the way she wanted, and now everything was going to change.

I think Oprah, who is definitely not pro-marriage, wanted to tell them both to call off their weddings. She's a big fan of "doubt means don't." But I don't think that's necessarily what these women need to do. I think sometimes doubt means that you're alive and thinking and not blindly jumping into something without careful consideration.

If you're a thinking person, you know that marriage is a lot of hard work, and that according to cold, hard statistics, it's very possible that your marriage will end in divorce. If that doesn't scare you a little, maybe you're buying into the Cinderella fantasy a little too much.

Yes, there should be joy and hope and happiness associated with getting married, but a healthy amount of fear is OK too. Your life is changing. You're making a massive commitment. And yes, your old single life is coming to an end, so it's natural and normal to mourn that loss (especially if you've carved out an excellent solo life for yourself).

Now that marriage isn't (and hasn't been for a long time) a survival necessity for women, our ideas about it need to change. We need to talk about the fact that it's OK to get engaged and feel some fear as opposed to 100% giddy excitement. In other words, it's OK to be awake, aware and conscious about this gigantic commitment and life change.

I hope to god that in the next generation, a new concept of marriage emerges, one in which as a wife and mother, you're expected to become more of who you are, and not less, one in which becoming a wife and mother doesn't mean only sacrifice and caregiving, but blossoming creativity and individual fulfillment. It'd be a lot less scary that way.